‘The fence bit me,’ the kid thought as he struggled to run through the dusk and the tall grass.

That’s what he would have said to his grandfather, Bud, if he’d ever come home with a leg wound like the one he was trying to run with. Bud would’ve thought it a kick.

The kid felt the blood trickling down his leg, and the bottoms of his pant legs were getting heavy with mud and what-not. He remembered how his grandfather used to put sand in his pant cuffs where he snuffed out his cigarettes. He was glad his grandfather wouldn’t see how he’d turned out.

The wounded boy stumbled onto a shed, nearly ran into it. He smiled because the shed was real, not a prop in a fever dream. He fell to his knees then reached for the shed’s door handle and snagged it first try. Somewhere he could hear the dogs getting smarter. His wound stung with sweat. He pushed the shed door and dragged his body inside, welcoming warm air.

When he looked up, he saw an old woman in the corner sitting on a stool in front of an easel. Her hair seemed unending.

‘She doesn’t even care that I’m here’ he thought.

The woman snarled, “I got nothing for you!”

The kid lay quiet. He could see her eyes, could see she was blind.

“Go on I said!” the woman growled, “I smell blood and there’s nothing here that can help you.”

“You can’t see what you’re painting,” the boy said.

“Can’t see anything,” the woman barked.

The boy lowered his head then looked up through a dirty window at barren trees.

The pain in his leg was becoming unbearable. The boy managed to sit up.

“You don’t know who I am or what I’ve done,” he said.

She waited, then shrugged:

“Don’t much care. Ain’t what you’ve done anyway, but what you’ll do and I’m thinking not much.”

“You don’t know me.”

“True, but if I had to guess I’d guess you’re just another fool who’s let their horses get away, and now that they’ve wandered off, you’re too stupid to know how to get them back so you’ve carved out a world of trouble for yourself. Just a guess.”

“Shut up!” the kid shouted.

The old woman clenched the paint brush.

“And seeing as it would take different thinking to get your horses back, well, that pretty much closes that case.”

She dabbed her brush in a palette on her leg.

“Red smells the best.”

She asked, “Are you, what is it they say? Bleeding out?”

“Am I?” the boy shivered.

“I’m no doctor.”

The kid stared at a scythe hanging on a hook.

“How can you even know what you’re painting?”

The woman laughed. The boy tried to straighten his leg.

“What’s it like to be blind?” he asked.

“You tell me.”

She pulled the brush from off the canvas.

The kid took a breath then slowly, painfully got to his feet and limped over to the woman.

“I smell fear,” she said.

“I killed someone,” the kid whispered.

The woman sighed.

He noticed more tools hanging. Curious, he dragged himself over and put a hand on a pitch fork, testing the sharpness of the prongs.

“Could I have this?”

“Your kind don’t ask,” the woman grinned.

The boy turned.

“I’ll spare you because you’re old and blind.”

The woman wiped the tip of the brush with a rag.

“I’m an artist. You’d think I’d be good enough to kill, but have it your way.”

“Who are you?” the boy asked.

“Another one of those crazy seers,” the old woman replied.

The kid thought for a second.

“My grandfather used to talk about seers when he talked about the old country.”

The woman nodded.

The boy held up 2 fingers.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Two,” the old woman replied, “Most put up 2. People aren’t that creative.”

The kid lowered his hand and turned his attention to a finished painting hanging on a wall. He studied it.

“Why waste your time painting a field?”

The woman turned, showing the kid her marble eyes again.

“It was the last thing I saw before they came for us. I paint the world that can’t be killed.”

“Everything can be killed.”

“Sez you,” the woman said with calm conviction.

The kid looked at the painting on the easel.

“That’s nice – an apple.”

“Found it this morning on the path where they say the deer like to sun themselves. Not another apple tree for miles, just this one.”

He looked out the window.

“Almost dark now.”

“I know. I smell it.”

The kid stood silent for a long time then whispered.

“I’m scared.”

The women plucked a rag from a pile of rags she kept in a basket by her side and offered it to the kid, who took it and wrapped his wound.

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

“Like crazy.”

“Good.”

The kid turned to the pitch fork, then back to the old woman, who was holding one hand in the other; the one that didn’t work. The boy stood at the window, then turned but was stopped by the woman who held her arm out. In her hand was an apple.

“Thanks,” he said, taking it. The woman said nothing.

The kid shoved the apple in his pocket.

“What will you paint next?”

The woman sighed.

“Never know. Something good. Always something good.”

The kid left the shack with a bandage and apple, but not the pitch fork.

The landscape was somewhat moonlit. Dogs were becoming smarter and closer.

He made his way slowly across more tall grass, limping and stopping only once to catch a glimpse of ordinary life through an ordinary window.

He found the road then began limping toward the gathering of lights.

Joe Ducato lives in Utica, NY.  Previous publishing credits include; Adelaide Literary Magazine, Santa Barbara Literary Journal, Modern Literature, Avalon Literary Review and Bangalore Review and among others.

The minute they walked into the store I knew they were cops, but not locals. Some kind of state boys come up from Cheyenne by the look of them. I started for the bathroom to avoid them, but the meaner looking one, in a blue suit that looked like he found it in a thrift shop, called me.

“Just a minute, sir. We’d like to talk to you.”

I turned to my assistant, Bobby Runs-with-Elks.

“Why don’t you help these gentlemen, Bobby.”

“We need to speak to you, sir,” the oilier looking man said, taking off his sunglasses, revealing black eyes as soulless as lumps of coal.

Bobby, a full-blooded Shoshone, had been working with me for several years, as his father and grandfather before him. He got a small salary and 50% of the profit from the store at the end of the year, which went to his family. We outfitted a lot of hunters and tourists, so it sometimes added up to a good sum of money. I met his grandfather, Joseph Shiny Elk, at Parris Island, in 1968. We served two tours together in Vietnam and saw and did some terrible things. We were both wounded in a sapper attack and invalided out of the Corps at the same time. He didn’t want to go back to the reservation and I didn’t want to work on the oil rigs. So we formed a partnership and opened the general store in the Great Divide Basin, near the Killpecker Sand Dunes, a wild and beautiful place.

Joseph was a part-time deputy on the reservation and late one night on his way home was killed by a drunken driver. His son, Daniel Speaks-to-Elks, took over his share of the business and we got along real well. I never married or had a family, so Daniel was like my son and Bobby like a grandson. They would get the business when I died. I had been around for a while and was pretty fit, still working as a hunting guide now and then, and in no hurry to check out.

I saw there was no way to avoid them and put on my dumb storekeeper face. Bobby had already sensed something and was playing stone faced indian.

“What can I do for you boys?” Which immediately riled them since they expected to intimidate me.

“We’d like to talk to you in private, sir,” Oily grated.

“Bobby knows everything that goes on here…”

“Alone, sir,” meanie insisted.

“Well we can go out back, though the winds a bit stronger then you Cheyenne boys are used to.”

“What makes you think we’re from Cheyenne?” Oily asked.

“You got that townie look, like you’re used to telling folk what to do,” which annoyed them.

I wasn’t going to take them through my living area, so I led them outside and around the back. There were several wooden chairs and a bench sand stripped down to a smooth surface. I gestured for them to sit. They declined, but I sat, willing to let them think they had an advantage towering above an old man.

Meanie looked at oily, who said:

“I guess this will do”

“Alright, boys,” I said pleasantly. “Who are you and what do you want?”

They both pulled out wallets with badges and oily said:

“We’re criminal investigators from the governor’s office. We’re investigating the accident that destroyed the Grand Teton Resort and Hunting Lodge and led to a number of deaths.”

“What has that to do with me?”

“We heard you know Sam Zona. He may have been involved somehow in the destruction of the place.”

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“But you know Sam Zona,” oily insisted.

“He’s dead?”

“We don’t know. Now you know him.”

“Yeah. Casual like.”

“You know him better then that. He worked for you for several years when he was a teen-ager,” oily stated.

I just shrugged and meanie glared.

“We can make things difficult for you if you don’t cooperate,” meanie threatened.

I guessed they could and it would hurt Daniel and Bobby, so I decided to tell them whatever was common knowledge.

“What do you want to know?”

“Tell us about his background,” oily said. “Start with his parents.”

“I don’t know much about them. Manny came from up North someplace and married a Shoshone woman. They lived on the rez for a long time, but didn’t have kids. There was a story that an old medicine man told them they’d have a son, if they left the reservation and saved the injured animals.”

Meanie laughed. “We don’t believe in witchcraft.”

“Well they started a small ranch in the Great Divide Basin and they took in all kinds of hurt critters, birds, antelope, wolves, they even had a bear for a while…”

“Sounds like a fairy tale to me,” oily sneered. “How’d they make a living?”

“Manny captured wild horses and sold them… Now do you want to hear what I got to say? If not, go back to the city.”

“Go on,” oily said.

“Sam was an exceptionally strong and bright kid. He rode to school on the rez on his pony five days a week. At first some of the older kids tried to bully him. Calling him a half-breed, but he fought back and beat them until they left him alone. He was twelve years old when he was riding home one day and his pony stumbled on a rock. Sam got off to check his hoof and a big cougar went for the horse. Sam grabbed the cat and they fought and he killed it…”

“Bullshit!” meanie growled. “No kid that age could kill a cougar without a rifle.”

I concealed my growing anger and replied:

“I don’t need to talk to you…”

“Ray didn’t mean to insult you,” oily said. “The story seems a little far-fetched. Tell us the rest.”

“Sam got bigger and stronger. When he was about sixteen he went to town, which was mostly owned by Mr. Phillips’ oil company. He met a waitress at the diner and he really liked her, but the riggers and roughnecks told him to leave her alone. There was a big fight and he whipped a lot of them, but she was scared and wouldn’t be with him. One of the roughnecks said she had a younger sister, if he’d wait for her, but Sam refused. Then someone from the oil company offered him a job. When he said ‘no’, the man said wildfires could burn his family’s ranch. Sam didn’t like that and punched him. That night he caught a couple of coyotes, tied torches on their tails and sent them into the oilfield. A couple of rigs burned, costing the company a lot of money, but they couldn’t prove it was Sam.”

“You’re saying he did it?” Meanie demanded.

“It was just a rumor.”

“What happened next?” Oily prompted.

“His mother and father were attacked in town one day. Some say the oil company was behind it, but no one knows. Then a bunch of men went to their ranch and tried to burn it, but there was a big fight and Sam chased them away. Nothing happened for a while, then the oil company started pressing the ranchers to sell. A couple of them went to see Sam and asked for help. He set up a nightwatch system to warn them if there was an attack. One night a bunch of thugs from the oil company came to a ranch that Sam was guarding. He ambushed them, beat them, then sent them back to town naked. They complained to the sheriff, who owed his job to Mr. Phillips, who said he’d look into it. On the advice of his friends, Sam joined the Marine Corps and went away for a while.”

“But something else happened before he joined the Marines,” oily prompted.

I quickly reviewed the event to be sure I told the same story that was in the record.

“He came home from school on the rez one day and found his parents dead. There had been a gun battle and there was a blood trail heading back to the oil rigs. He followed the trail and found three men wounded on the side of the road. They were trying to decide whether to go to the hospital, or go ask the boss to get them a doctor. They fought and Sam killed them. The sheriff, who was owned by the oil company, ignored the murder of Sam’s parents and started building a case against him. That’s when Sam joined the Corps.”

I didn’t tell them that he came to me for advice. I told him to join the Corps and that Bobby or Daniel would take care of his ranch. Oily kept eyeing me, trying to figure out how smart I was, but I made sure to look as dumb as possible.

“So how long was he gone?” Meanie demanded.

I shrugged. “Maybe two or three years. He was wounded in Iraq or Afghanistan and they discharged him. He came home to the ranch and did the same thing as his dad. He tamed wild horses and sold them and took care of injured animals.”

“The record shows he got into trouble sometime after that,” meanie said and pulled out a tablet and looked at the screen.

“He got into a fight, but the charges were dismissed.”

“He’s a real troublemaker,” meanie remarked, “always getting into fights.”

“Not so,” I snapped. “He was seeing some girl who worked as a bartender at the Last Chance Saloon. Her ex-boyfriend and some of his oil worker buddies jumped Sam one night. He beat them so badly they went to the hospital. The sheriff wanted to arrest him, but witnesses saw what happened and defended Sam and said the hooligans started it. Friends of the injured oil workers wanted revenge and they went to the ranch one night. They brought an old pickup truck, set it on fire and aimed it at the ranch house. Sam stopped the truck and pushed it back into their jeeps and trucks and they blew up. A lot of the men got burned, but nobody died. They couldn’t complain to the sheriff and they were afraid of Sam, so they left him alone after that.”

“Are you telling us he pushed the truck by himself?” Meanie sneered.

“Sam’s a strong guy,” I said softly.

“What happened after that?” Oily asked.

“Things were pretty quiet for a while.”

“Until Mr. Phillips wanted to build his resort,” oily stated.

“I don’t know about that,” I muttered.

“Bullshit!” meanie yelled. “Tell us what you know.”

I briefly considered giving them the shock of their lives when this old man kicked both their asses. But I realized they’d be back with reinforcements, so I told them the public version.

“The oil company took over most of the land in the Great Divide Basin for their oil rigs. Nobody who cares about the land wanted that, but Mr. Phillips is a rich and powerful man. One way or another he got what he wanted…”

“Talk more respectful about him,” meanie demanded. “He’s a friend of the governor.”

I was getting fed up with these hired badges, but before I could respond, oily said:

“Alright. Take it easy, guys. We’re just getting to what brought us here.” He looked at me and said: “Go on.”

I guess I decided to take the easy way out because I didn’t want any more trouble for Sam. It was probably a waste of time trying to make these jerks understand how some of us felt about the land, but I made one last effort.

“The Red Desert is the largest unfenced area in the 48 continental states. It’s got all kinds of animals and birds and should be preserved.”

“Yeah. Nice Dream,” meanie muttered. “But there’s oil there and money to be made.”

“There are more important things than money,” I responded.

Oily held up a placating hand. “Go on.”

“Mr. Phillips decided to build a big resort. I don’t know how he got the rights to public land. Probably bribery and threats…”

“That’s slander,” meanie yelled.

“Take it easy, Ray,” oily urged. “Hear the man out.”

By this time I was resisting the temptation to go inside, get my 1911 Model Colt .45 and send them on their way, but it would have meant trouble. So…

“One way or the other Mr. Phillips got a hold of most of the property he wanted. Sam led the fight to protect the environment and supported the hold outs who wouldn’t sell. About this time a woman came to town, Delia something. I don’t know her last name. She was real high class city type, and the sexiest looking woman I ever saw. Sam fell for her hard. I don’t know how she did it, but she cast a spell on him or something and he followed her around like a puppy. She got into his head and started him on drugs. He went downhill fast. He stopped protesting the land sales and challenging the building permits. He got weaker and weaker, ran out of money and lost his ranch. Then she dumped him. Some of his friends claim they saw her with Mr. Phillips.”

“What do you think?” Oily asked.

I shrugged. “What do I know? But it was a little strange that a slick woman like that would come here and get involved with a guy like Sam.”

“Are you accusing Mr. Phillips of using her to get him?” Meanie challenged.

“I’m just telling you what I heard.”

“You know about the explosion that destroyed the resort and killed all those people, including Mr. Phillips.”

“There was some talk about that, but I haven’t been there.”

“But you heard about it,” oily said.

“Yeah.”

“Do you know where Sam Zona is?” Oily asked.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I said no.”

Oily said to meanie. ”Let’s go.”

As they were leaving, meanie turned to me. “We’ll be back.”

I didn’t say anything, watched them get into their SUV and drive off. Bobby came outside and stood next to me, watching the dust plume recede in the distance.

“I was listening from the back window. Is there any way those guys can find out that Sam bought that load of black powder from us?”

“Not if we don’t say anything. There’s no receipt or anything is there?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“You think Sam blew up the place?”

“Yes.”

“Where is he now?”

“Dead along with the others.”

“How do you know that?”

“I know Sam. He was reduced to a wreck of a man who had nothing left. They laughed at him on the streets and weren’t afraid of him anymore. They took away everything he had, then built that temple of luxury to destroy the land he loved. I knew what he was going to do when he bought that powder.”

“Why didn’t you stop him?”

“It was his choice, Bobby. He pulled himself together for one last fight and took his enemies with him.”

“That’s it? That’s all you got to say?”

I smiled. “Too bad the governor wasn’t there.”

He stared at me wide-eyed for a moment, then laughed and I laughed with him.

Gary Beck has spent most of his adult life as a theatre director and worked as an art dealer when he couldn’t earn a living in the theatre. He has also been a tennis pro, a ditch digger and a salvage diver. His original plays and translations of Moliere, Aristophanes and Sophocles have been produced Off Broadway. His poetry, fiction and essays have appeared in hundreds of literary magazines and his published books include 43 poetry collections, 18 novels, 4 short story collections, 2 collection of essays and 8 books of plays. Gary lives in New York City.

You can find more of Gary’s work here on Ink Pantry.

Alice was not expecting any adventures. She was just going to Slumberland. She was after a new mattress because she wanted to get a good night’s rest. The old mattress had lumps in it and the springs and coils within its interior had given her more than a few sleepless nights.

Getting to Slumberland was fairly straight forward even though it entailed a fair amount of walking from the bus stop. It was one of those places that was just outside of town in a big retail park. She stopped to check the street atlas every so often to make sure she was not taking a wrong turn. On one of these occasions, just as she was folding away the map her attention was distracted by the sudden appearance of a white rabbit wearing a waistcoat. It was a lovely rabbit and it reminded her of her childhood. Spotting a white rabbit in your path was supposed to bring you good luck and urge you on toward new beginnings. The rabbit spent some time looking at her with its whiskers twitching. She assumed it must be somebody’s pet that had escaped from the confines of its hutch. She looked around but there was no one else there. The rabbit turned on its heels and bounded off but then it came back to her feet again. What was it trying to tell her? The next time it bounded off she decided to follow it. As it happened, the rabbit did her a favour because it led her down a ginnel which brought her out right opposite the entrance to the retail park. In other words, it had shown her a shortcut to Slumberland.

‘Thank you, rabbit’ she said and then hoped that nobody had heard her, except the rabbit of course. An adult caught talking to a rabbit would look a bit odd, she thought, but the rabbit seemed pleased to have been of help to her and bounded back the way it had come.

For some reason she had difficulty getting through the revolving door at the entrance to the store. It was not that she was large, it was more to do with the doors being small. After a great effort, she managed to hold herself in and walk through the door.

Once she was in the store, she was greeted with a plethora of beds. There were bunk beds, ottoman beds, divan beds, guest beds, sofa beds, day beds, beds of all sizes that were just waiting for her to try them all out. The same could be said of the vast range of mattresses: hybrid, spring, foam and queen mattresses all seemed to vie for her attention. There was not a salesperson in sight. In fact, she seemed to be the only person in the store. After walking round the beds for a while and sitting on them to test them for their comfort, she settled for one of the queen beds, 60 x 84 inches which, according to the label, was for two people. It was certainly nice and roomy.

It was not long before she fell into a deep sleep. You might by now be thinking that she was as mad as a hatter. Who would walk into a store, sprawl across a bed fully clothed and fall asleep?

A lot of people seemed to come into the room which by now had turned into a milliner’s shop. Couples seemed to be mingling together in high spirits. She couldn’t see their faces but she could see their hats. Every one of them, despite being indoors, was wearing a hat. There was a man with a baseball cap with a rounded crown and a stiff, frontward-projecting bill who was handing a cup of tea to a woman in a bell-shaped hat from the Roaring Twenties. Someone who was wearing a fascinator made with feathers and flowers was pouring tea into a cup and passing it to a man in an Australian brand of bush hat. Two teenagers, one in a sun hat and another in a rain hat were conversing with one another in the corner. She couldn’t make out what they were saying but she wondered why one of them thought it was raining while the other one was enjoying being in the sunshine. The whole group erupted when a harlequin appeared in a brightly-coloured, conical party hat emblazoned with patterns and messages. He seemed to be inciting them to throw custard pies at each other. To Alice’s amazement, everyone ransacked the tables and started hurling cake crumbs, cherries and whipped cream at each other’s faces. It was absolute bedlam but nobody seemed to mind at all. It was a complete free for all. Even the gentleman in the bowler hat from Lock’s of St. James’s was joining in and seemed to take great delight when he succeeded in knocking his acquaintance’s top hat straight off his head. A woman in a pill box started to bombard her friend with fruit which finally dislodged her peach basket dashing it to the ground. A boy in a beanie was shivering in the corner, trying to stave off the cold. A long-legged girl in a flat-topped straw hat was strolling through the proceedings as if she were at a regatta. It was all most extraordinary.

Dreams are, of course, quite illogical.

*

In the next room, Alice found herself in maternity. The midwife was urging the Duchess to push.

‘Push hard,’ she said, ‘you can do it.’

The Duchess was not so sure. She thought that she was too posh to push.

‘Keep pushing,’ the midwife exhorted, ‘you’re almost there now.’

All this, despite the unbearable pain.

Eventually the pig appeared with all its trotters intact. It squealed and squealed and squealed.

‘Oh what a lovely piggy you are,’ cooed the Duchess, as the midwife handed her the pig.

‘There, that wasn’t so difficult was it?’ said the midwife.

Alice was shocked but everyone else seemed to think that this was perfectly normal.

*

Out on the croquet lawn, everything seemed to be fine.

‘At least it’s a mallet and not a flamingo,’ she said.

‘Not a what?’ said her friend.

Alice looked embarrassed. Where did the flamingo come from? She clearly wasn’t thinking straight. A mallet was nothing like a flamingo. You could strike a croquet ball hard with a mallet. A flamingo would just get in the way strutting round the hoops with its long pink legs. How absurd would that be?

‘A mallet is a mallet is a mallet’ she said, much to the growing consternation of her friend.

‘You’re talking gobbledygook,’ she said, ‘or was that jabberwocky?’

Either way, they both knew it was not plain English.

There was something wrong with the object she was trying to hit. Yes, it was round like a ball, but it appeared to be curled in on itself and its surface, far from being smooth, was quite spiky. She didn’t want to pick it up because its spines were sharp and looked as if they would draw blood.

‘That’s not a ball, that’s a hedgehog’ she said.

‘What on earth are you talking about?’ said her friend.

‘How did that get here?’ asked Alice.

She looked in horror as her friend whacked the hedgehog with her mallet. It was a gentle whack, of course, more like a tap really, because this was croquet, not golf. Alice felt for the hedgehog.

‘Hitting hedgehogs is wrong,’ she said, as if pronouncing some sort of official announcement. ‘There must be a rule about this. Anyone found hitting a hedgehog…’

‘What are you talking about?’ said her friend, ‘that isn’t a hedgehog, it’s a croquet ball.’

Alice peered closer. Her friend was right. It was indeed a croquet ball.

The white rabbit, who had been watching the proceedings from the long grass, chuckled to himself. It was all so highly amusing.

*

When Alice woke up she was surprised to see that she was still in Slumberland. Several customers were looking at her and talking among themselves. Flustered, she got up, smoothed down her skirt and walked over to the payment desk.

‘I’ll have the queen mattress,’ she said.

‘Very well, madam,’ said the floor assistant. ‘There’s no charge for delivery. Will you be paying by card?’

‘Yes,’ she said, and pulled out the Joker.

‘I’m afraid we can’t accept that,’ he said, ‘but we’ll take the Queen of Hearts.’

Just as she was leaving, she noticed the name badge on his lapel. It said LEWIS CARROLL.

Neil Leadbeater was born and brought up in Wolverhampton, England. He was educated at Repton and is an English graduate from the University of London. He now resides in Edinburgh, Scotland. His short stories, articles and poems have been published widely in anthologies and journals both at home and abroad. His publications include Librettos for the Black Madonna (White Adder Press, 2011); The Loveliest Vein of Our Lives (Poetry Space, 2014), Finding the River Horse (Littoral Press, 2017), Punching Cork Stoppers (Original Plus, 2018) River Hoard (Cyberwit.net, Allahabad, India, 2019), Reading Between the Lines (Littoral Press, 2020) and Journeys in Europe (co-authored with Monica Manolachi) (Editura Bifrost , Bucharest, Romania, 2022). His work has been translated into several languages. He is a member of the Federation of Writers Scotland and he is a regular reviewer for several journals including Quill & Parchment (USA), The Halo-Halo Review (USA), Write Out Loud (UK) and The Poet (UK). His many and varied interests embrace most aspects of the arts and, on winter evenings, he enjoys the challenge of getting to grips with ancient, medieval and modern languages.

You can find more of Neil’s work here on Ink Pantry.

That summer, breaking into the Lido under cover of darkness was the one thing that preyed upon Jacko’s mind more than any other. In fact, it would not be unreasonable to say that it had quickly become an obsession. This whole idea of entering forbidden territory propelled him on to the point where it had begun to take possession of him. Jeanie and Rebecca, the other two students who made up what they called ‘the gang of three’ were not so sure.

‘What if we get caught?’ piped Jeanie. She was always the more cautious one of the three. ‘Suppose there are CCTV cameras all over the place, what do we do then?’

Jacko gave her a look of disdain. Jacko was thorough. He’d already cased the joint during the daytime and there didn’t appear to be any evidence of CCTV surveillance there at all.

‘Suppose the fence is alarmed?’ shouted Rebecca, as they ran across London Fields in pursuit of Jacko who was now well into the lead.

‘Look, do you want to come with me or not?’ he said, rounding on them suddenly as they neared the approach to the Lido. ‘It’s just a laugh.’ he said. ‘Yes or no?’

The girls looked at each other. Their hearts were beating like crazy and there was no time to lose.

There was a full moon that night and it shone directly on their faces as they stood there in the park captured by its glow. The thought of breaking into a 50 metre Olympic-sized, heated outdoor swimming pool when no-one else was around had its attractions.

Jacko had spent weeks walking round the perimeter, sizing up the fencing, studying it in detail without trying to raise any undue suspicion. He’d even made rough notes, gone home and prepared a full-scale drawing so that he could pinpoint with accuracy the one place where he had found a bit of leverage, a weak point, where it might be possible to gain entrance. His pockets were bulging with cutting equipment. Once they had broken through there was nothing to stop them returning night after night. The girls had towels concealed in their bags and were wearing string bikinis underneath their outer clothing. Jacko, who was not so modest, intended to dive in naked as the day he was born.

Even though it was one hour to midnight they were surprised at how busy the park was with night time cyclists, dog walkers and people going home from the pubs. They would have preferred it to have been much quieter so that they would be less likely to be seen but the place where Jacko had detected a weakness in the fencing was pretty well concealed by trees and bushes and away from the main thoroughfares of the park.

It took him a good half hour to cut away at the wire mesh before he managed to make a hole big enough for them to crawl through. The girls were edgy, constantly on the lookout for any movement.

By the time they got in, it was completely dark. They took a moment or two to acclimatise themselves to their surroundings.

‘Hey, let’s wait a while. This could be dangerous. We don’t want to fall in the pool,’ said Rebecca.

‘I’ve heard it takes a good half hour for the eye to adjust for darkness,’ said Jeanie, ‘Eyes adapt to bright light a lot faster than they do to darkness.’

Reckless as ever, Jacko just wanted to find his own way in the dark. He walked gingerly to the edge of the pool, tore off his clothes and dived in. The splash alarmed the girls who thought they might be found out but no one appeared on the scene.

Jacko swam back to the edge and tried to persuade them to come in and join him. The girls stood shivering in their costumes as they were still uncertain about whether or not to chance it in the pool.

As their eyes gradually got used to the dark, Jeanie suddenly spotted two deckchairs in a pool of moonlight out in the bathing area. She thought it was odd that they were out when all the other deckchairs had been stacked away. The nearer she approached the back of the chairs the more nervous she became. She was sure that they were occupied. There was something about their shape and their bulk, as if they each held a human body. She went and grabbed hold of Rebecca, pointing all the time at the chairs. When they got closer they stopped to listen for any sounds of movement or conversation but there was none. It was curious though that, despite the slight breeze, the canvas did not move. After contemplating the scene for a moment or two, they both lost their nerve and walked quietly back to where they had come from. Maybe they were not alone after all.

‘I don’t think there’s anyone there,’ said Rebecca. ‘How could there be?’

‘Why would anyone be there?’ said Jeanie. If anyone was there, she reasoned, they would have turned round as soon as they heard Jacko diving into the pool. At that time of night, the splash had seemed loud enough to wake up the whole Hackney.

Jacko emerged from the pool, dripping water all over the ground. They motioned to him to keep quiet but felt that they were safer down at this end of the pool.

‘For goodness sake, Jacko, cover yourself up,’ said Rebecca. ‘Somebody might see you’.

‘I think someone’s around,’ said Jeannie. ‘I don’t feel safe like this.’

‘Me, neither,’ said Rebecca. ‘Let’s get dressed and go.’

The next time they looked towards the two deckchairs, the breeze rippled through the canvas and the chairs keeled over on to the floor. Whoever had been there had left or was lurking about somewhere else nearby.

The girls got the jitters. Even Jacko began to feel uncomfortable. It was not long before they left by the way they had come and made their way back through the fields.

What had started out as a student prank had left a nasty taste. Suppose someone had seen them? What if they were being followed home? The girls, arm in arm, frequently looked behind them, being suspicious of anyone who might be on their tracks. Even when they got home, they worried about whether or not this mysterious someone, singular or plural, had made a mental note of their address.

*

Jeanie, who had always secretly had a bit of a crush on Rebecca, asked her if she could come into her room and sleep in her bed that night as she was still feeling nervous after what had happened at the lido. It was not an unusual request. They were very close and shared everything together, even their clothes.

‘I’ll be round in ten,’ said Jeanie.

‘Just come when you’re ready,’ said Rebecca. ‘I’ll leave the door off the latch.’

When Jeanie came in, Rebecca’s room was in darkness. She could see her friend clearly enough though because she was standing close to the window, feet slightly apart, in a strip of bright moonlight. She had her back to Jeanie and had taken off her clothes. All she was wearing was a gold-coloured, spandex G-string. Jeanie held her breath as she secretly watched Rebecca untie her hair and shake out her glossy black curls which cascaded halfway down her bare back. Jeanie, who had a page-boy cut, had always been envious of her friend’s long hair.

When Rebecca turned round, her face was flushed. Jeanie felt breathless. She was aching to touch her.

‘You’ve let your hair down. You look gorgeous, Reeby,’ she whispered.

Jeanie was in a state of confusion but Rebecca made it easy for her. She came up close, slowly opened her girlfriend’s blouse and whispered something in her ear which made her blush. In that moment, Jeanie lost all her inhibitions. She went limp like a ragdoll in her lover’s warm embrace. The two began to kiss until such time as they were no longer bathed in moonlight.

*

None of them slept very well that night which meant that they were bleary-eyed when they went into their lectures the next day. They all hoped that they could quickly put the night’s escapade at the lido behind them but it kept on nagging them in all sorts of stupid ways. In the refectory, for example, Jeanie picked up a magazine that was lying open on one of the tables she chose to sit at to have her lunch. You might think this was innocuous enough but her eyes were drawn to an article on the subject of moon bathing. Curious, she read on. The article stated that moon bathing was just like sun bathing. It urged readers to go outside when the moon was in full view and absorb its light. It recommended that you should find a restful space and do this in private with or without your clothes in order to experience the calming properties of moonlight.

When she met up with Rebecca she told her all about what she had found out.

‘You can do it with your clothes off,’ she said. ‘Just think of all that moonshine on your bare skin. If it’s a full moon you can align your energy with the lunar cycle. Because moonlight is actually reflected sunlight, it too can boost your vitamin D levels, as well as give you nitric oxide which helps to regulate blood flow.’

There was a long pause while Rebecca took in the significance of what her friend was saying.

‘What is it, Rebecca?’

‘Those two deckchairs we saw last night…’

‘What about them?’

‘You know when we thought that there were people sitting in them?’

‘Oh, you don’t think there really were people in them do you? You mean that they might have been moon bathers?’

‘It’s possible.’

‘They must have seen us when they got up to go.’

‘But how come we never saw them?’

‘I don’t know.’

Later that day, a couple of other students had spotted the same article. They caught up with the two girls and casually dropped the subject into the conversation.

‘Have you heard about this moon bathing thing?’

The girls looked startled.

‘It’s all the craze round here, apparently.’

The girls felt uncomfortable.

‘Fancy trying it with us….fancy taking your clothes off?’

Jeanie tried to make out that they did not know what they talking about.

One of the students looked at her and gave her a smile.

‘I think you do,’ he said.

‘How do you mean?’ she said. She was as nervous as a kitten jumping at shadows.

‘Because I saw you.’

‘Saw me doing what?’

‘You were reading the same article when you were in the refectory earlier’

‘Oh,’ she said, immediately relieved. ‘Yes, I did just glance at it.’

Perhaps he didn’t mean anything by the remark after all.

Several days later there was a piece in the local paper about the broken fencing at the lido which was put down to vandalism. Eventually the fence was repaired. The police were too busy to do any investigations. Jacko said there was nothing to worry about but the girls thought otherwise for the one thing that had been taken away from them that night had been their innocence. What had they been thinking of? It was moon madness. They had crossed a line into forbidden territory and now there was no going back.

Neil Leadbeater was born and brought up in Wolverhampton, England. He was educated at Repton and is an English graduate from the University of London. He now resides in Edinburgh, Scotland. His short stories, articles and poems have been published widely in anthologies and journals both at home and abroad. His publications include Librettos for the Black Madonna (White Adder Press, 2011); The Loveliest Vein of Our Lives (Poetry Space, 2014), Finding the River Horse (Littoral Press, 2017), Punching Cork Stoppers (Original Plus, 2018) River Hoard (Cyberwit.net, Allahabad, India, 2019), Reading Between the Lines (Littoral Press, 2020) and Journeys in Europe (co-authored with Monica Manolachi) (Editura Bifrost , Bucharest, Romania, 2022). His work has been translated into several languages. He is a member of the Federation of Writers Scotland and he is a regular reviewer for several journals including Quill & Parchment (USA), The Halo-Halo Review (USA), Write Out Loud (UK) and The Poet (UK). His many and varied interests embrace most aspects of the arts and, on winter evenings, he enjoys the challenge of getting to grips with ancient, medieval and modern languages.

You can find more of Neil’s work here on Ink Pantry.

The snow had just started, the first of the year. Hazy light through the clouds outside the window of our third floor apartment cast light shadows off of the slowly falling flakes.

“Is the hot water on?” Mom said from the kitchen.

I ran to the bathroom, climbed onto the side of the tub, and looked through the safety window on the water heater. The grill of blue flames popped on. “Yes!” I yelled and ran back to my Matchbox cars.

“Still on?” she called a moment later.

I ran back into the bathroom. There was a strong smell of burning. Flakes of black, charred plastic dripped from the heater. “Something’s wrong!” I shouted.

Her feet pounding down the hallway. She grabbed my arm and pulled me out. Firelight flickered on the hall wall.

Mom yanked open the front door and pushed me ahead of her down the stairs. She banged on our downstairs neighbour’s door. He opened it with a surprised look on his face.

(“Tell him we need help!”)

“Uncle, something happened. There is a flame in our toilet.”

He nodded and gestured for us to come in. We sat on his hard sofa while he talked on the phone, too quickly and complicatedly for me to understand. The firemen came. It was evening before we could return to our flat.

“Tell your mother the water heater must be replaced,” he said.

I nodded.

(“Tell him ‘thank you’.”)

“Thank you, uncle, for liking to help us.”

Our apartment was drenched.

“Dad will be back from his trip tomorrow. He’ll figure something out.”

We went to the neighbourhood restaurant for dinner walking through the fresh snow from earlier in the day. The snowfall had stopped and the night sky was frozen and magnificent. After I ordered the bean soup that was my favourite, the violin player approached our table, offering a folk song for a small tip. Usually Mom waved him off, but tonight she nodded to him. He played and sang. Mom listened.

“What is he singing?”

I listened a moment and then translated,

Dear mother, why did you birth me?

You ought instead to have thrown me

Into the river.

Then I’d not be a forgotten child.

She smiled and shook her head.

“Eat your soup,” she said.

Zary Fekete grew up in Hungary. He has a debut novella (Words on the Page) out with DarkWinter Lit Press and a short story collection (To Accept the Things I Cannot Change: Writing My Way Out of Addiction) out with Creative Texts. He enjoys books, podcasts, and many many many films. Twitter and Instagram.

He had hoped the night would end his torment. It didn’t. He thought the storm in his mind might calm with the dawn. But the storm raged on. Standing rigid behind his gun, his lifeless gaze locked on the barrel jutting out from the narrow window of the muddy bunker, perched high on the mountaintop.

In the beginning, he found a strange comfort in staring at the barren, lifeless slope on the enemy’s side, its dry earth stretching into an endless desolation. The enemy pickets, hidden among the distant rocky precipices, visible only through his binoculars, rarely troubled him. But the world beyond those jagged peaks—untouchable, unreachable—haunted him more than any threat of war. Oddly, their own side of the mountain unsettled him the most. The lush green slope, dense with deodar trees, the shimmering stream weaving through the valley below—it all felt like a scene from someone else’s life. A life he no longer belonged to. Yet the tiny houses, no larger than matchboxes from his vantage, always drew his eye. There was something about them. He couldn’t say what. Maybe it was the thought that people still lived inside those fragile shells, even while he stood alone, staring at a world that no longer made sense.

He wanted to squeeze the trigger, to empty the entire LMG into the misty mountainside. Reload. Fire again. Anything to silence the restless storm inside him. But nothing would settle. His anger simmered just beneath the surface, a volatile mix of frustration and suffocating boredom. The night stretched on, endless and consuming, swallowing him in its choking darkness—a darkness that burned like fire, thick with smoke he couldn’t escape.

In the filthy, abandoned barrack at the far corner of the camp, his comrades would be gathered—drinking, gambling, losing themselves in the haze of liquor and late-night revelry. He would imagine the door still ajar, the stench of spilled blood thickening the air. He could see his father, the hypochondriac, pacing madly, unable to bear the sight. He thought of him, and the memory sent a twisted satisfaction through him. He could almost hear the echo of his father’s frantic mutterings.

But none of it mattered. Not the men, not the barracks, not the maddening silence. The only thing that held his focus now was the gun. His fingers twitched on the trigger, drawn to the cold, familiar steel. It fascinated him, how easy it would be to let loose, to unleash all that rage in a single violent burst.

He wanted to scream. To tell them all—his comrades, his father, anyone—that they didn’t know, that no one could understand how hard it was to be him, to be stuck in this place, in this skin, under this endless, heavy sky. But the words wouldn’t come. All that filled him was the blackness of the night, sinking deeper into his heart, his mind, his soul.

And still, he couldn’t fire. The darkness only deepened.

Some things aren’t meant to be, some are beyond your control, and others—utterly unnecessary—are thrust upon you to break you. Bloody fate. No, not fate—it was helplessness that wasn’t part of the plan. It was forced there. A soldier has no fate of his own. It’s shaped for him in the grandest of words, dressed up in promises of purpose, but concealing the bitter truth beneath—the agony.

What better place to amplify his suffering than this barren hilltop, overlooking a few distant enemy pickets on one side and a valley on the other—so still, so detached from the world that even the small cluster of Gujjars seemed forgotten by time. He had his answer: there was no better place because, after that night, he knew he had nowhere to go.

Fifteen days and nights—that’s all. Then he would return. It felt like a cruel transaction: sacrificing something precious just to cling to something that had become a necessity. He felt trapped between the two, caught in the limbo of a twisted bargain. Bloody fate wasn’t written in his stars; it was abandoned here, on this godforsaken hill.

There was something deeply wicked—at least, disgustingly unfair—about trying to justify anyone’s misery by calling it fate. It was easier to blame fate than admit the truth: that none of this should have happened. And yet here he stood, his fate written in the nothingness of this place, while the world spun on, indifferent.

He had loved everything about the marriage—the preparations, the way tradition blended with longing, how emotion intertwined with involvement, excitement with anticipation. The house had been alive, glowing with lights that, in the night, seemed like a flame burning bright in the dark furnace of the world. Everything overflowed with warmth, every corner brimming with life.

Now, back in the cold isolation of the mountain wilderness, that warmth felt like a distant memory. His body ached, and his soul felt hollow. This place, which once held some purpose, now seemed devoid of meaning. The endless days blurred into weeks, weeks into months, as the wilderness stretched out before him, tired and lifeless. He hadn’t noticed before how utterly empty it was. The enemy side, often shrouded in impenetrable mist for weeks at a time, had become as distant as his own sense of duty. Even the valley below, with its stream cutting through the foothills, felt as unreachable as home.

The separation changed him. It warped his perceptions—about duty, about his nation and its bond with this barren land, about marriage, home, and even his beloved wife. Doubt gnawed at his mind. In the loneliness of his cold bunker, sitting behind the big gun, he began to realize that doubting was its own form of journey. A slow, painful descent into self-realization, into the fragility of self-worth. He imagined the bullets in the magazine rusting, just like his own purpose.

He thought now that perhaps all this—the grand ideals, the noble duty, the sacrifices—meant nothing. Perhaps they had never meant anything at all, just illusions propped up to give shape to something hollow. And maybe they would remain that way for ages, lost to time and meaning, continuing on as empty echoes.

Integrity? To hell with it. Nothing, no one – not even the indifferent elements of nature – remains consistent. Inconsistency is woven into the fabric of existence. Yet we humans crave stability, especially in relationships. We demand it and cling to it, despite knowing that nothing endures unchanged. Yes, for as long as one can, one should hold onto it. But even the strongest relationships, the ones built on trust and loyalty, inevitably buckle under the weight of inconsistency. His doubts, once quiet whispers, grew into an obsession, filling the barren wilderness of his soul. The desolate landscape around the bunker only served to amplify the inner turmoil. He withdrew from the rowdy late-night gatherings in the abundant barracks, no longer drinking, no longer gambling. He stopped caring about the numbers in his salary account or what remained of his connection to the world outside.

The thought of betrayal gnawed at him like a wound that refused to heal. His mobile phone, once a link to the distant world, now seemed like a mocking presence, incapable of guiding him through the shadows of his mind. Doubt, he realised, was a journey – a descent into the primal, crude essence of one’s being. And it terrified him.

The doubt became real. Palpable. Like a river swelling with the pressure of a coming flood, it built within him, threatening to burst its banks. Betrayal – the one thing he couldn’t bear. The one thing he saw, he would never tolerate – loomed over him like a spectre. Sometimes, alone in the bunker, he wept behind the big gun, feeling smaller, more insignificant with every sob. A man lost, shaded by the large hat that he pulled down to his chin as if trying to hide from the world and from himself.

The doubt grew unbearable. And so, one night, without telling anyone, he slipped away from the camp. Two days later, in the dead of night, he murdered them both in their bed. His suspicions, his fears, had been true all along. He left the dagger buried in her stomach, a twisted sense of justice searing through him as he made his way back to the mountain wilderness.

The camp did not report him missing. They found him, questioned him, but never spoke of it. He didn’t care. His soul had been hollowed out, and the man he once was had vanished. The night never ended for him after that. He was trapped in it, suffering, endlessly suffering. And when the weight of it all became too much, when he could no longer endure the darkness pressing in on every side, he turned the gun on himself in that cold muddy bunker.

As the final shot echoed across the empty mountains, he screamed, “Oh great mountains! I am sorry. I couldn’t protect you.”

Ghulam Mohammad Khan was born and raised in Sonawari (Bandipora); an outlying town located on the wide shores of the beautiful Wullar Lake. Ghulam Mohammad believes that literature is the most original and enduring repository of human memory. He loves the inherent intricacies of language and the endless possibilities of meaning. In his writing, he mainly focuses on mini-narratives, local practices and small-scale events that could otherwise be lost forever to the oblivion of untold histories. Ghulam Mohammad considers his hometown, faith, and family to be the most important things to him. He writes for a few local magazines and newspapers. His short story collection titled The Cankered Rose is his first major forthcoming work.

You can find more of Ghulam’s work here on Ink Pantry.

Jaime Perez crept up the fire escape as quietly as he could and stopped at the third floor. He leaned over the guard rail to the kitchen window that he had been told didn’t have a gate. He waited patiently to be sure that no one on the street had noticed him, while vapor from the cold steamed out of his mouth. He pressed his short, skinny, drug ravaged body against the wall until he felt ready, then he took a metal tool from his pocket and stealthily pried the window open. He couldn’t hear any sounds from the dark apartment, so he carefully slipped over the rail and climbed inside. The landlord had assured him that they didn’t own a dog, so although still alert, he began to relax. The landlord had also carefully instructed him how to place paper next to the pilot light of the stove, run a paper strip to the nearest inflammable material and ignite it so it would appear to be an accident. There was a cardboard cake box on a table next to the stove and he ran the strip of paper to the box. He paused and listened intently, his body a menacing hulk in the darkness, then greedily opened the box. It was some kind of pound cake, not his favorite, like chocolate or pineapple, but better than nothing. He broke off a chunk with a gloved hand and stuffed it in his mouth, crumbs dribbling on the floor.

The landlord had insisted that he not take anything, but a piece of cake didn’t count. Besides, the greedy pig would never know. Jaime needed a hit on the crack pipe and the sugar from the cake would settle his jangling nerves. He silently cursed the landlord for a moment. He knew why the landlord wanted this family out. Then he could renovate the apartment cheaply and triple the rent. When the tenants rejected what must have been a low offer and other pressures failed, the landlord sent for him. Jaime was known as ‘the torch’ to a few pitiless landlords on the lower east side, whose lust for profit at the expense of decency was aroused by gentrification. He could smell the paper by the pilot light smouldering, so he lit a match, put it to the middle of the paper strip and made sure it was burning both ways. Then he slid out the window to the fire escape and closed it behind him. As he hastily went down the metal steps, he thought: ‘To hell with those gringos. Let them burn. They forced my people out of the neighbourhood. Now they’ll get theirs.’

Some kind of noise brought Peter to the surface from a deep sleep. He groggily stretched, not sure what happened, then suddenly smelled smoke. He leaped up and dashed to the kitchen and saw the fire. The flames were high enough to keep him from reaching the sink with its flexible water hose, so he tore off his T-shirt and tried to smother the flames, but this only fanned them higher. He rushed back to the bedroom, pulled the covers off his wife and shook her arm. “What’s wrong?” Beth sleepily asked. “It’s a fire,” he yelled. “We’ve got to get the kids out.” She instantly snapped awake and took charge: “I’ll take Jen and you take Andy.” They hurried to the children’s bedroom, where Jennifer and Andrew were sound asleep. As the children gradually awakened, they wrapped them in their blankets and carried them out of the bedroom.

The smoke was rapidly spreading through the apartment. “Should I try to grab my wallet?” Peter asked. Beth looked around and quickly decided: “Let’s get the kids into the hall, then you can see if it’s safe to go back inside.” Flames were pouring out of the kitchen and the acrid smoke was blurring their vision. The children were wide awake now, frightened and crying. They made their way through the living room into the hallway that led to the front door. The room was rapidly filling with smoke and when Peter opened the door, smoke billowed into the hall. They paused at the head of the stairs and Peter looked back, considering if he should risk returning for his wallet and other valuables. Beth realized what he was thinking and said firmly: “No way you’re going in there.” He protested: “All our money and credit cards are in there, and our coats. It’s freezing outside.” She shook her head. “At least we’re not hurt. We’ll manage the rest.”

Officer Herminio Corrado was just carrying a container of coffee to his partner in the patrol car, when he saw the flames burst out of the window from a house down the block. He knocked on the hood to get his partner’s attention, pointed, then set off at a run. He moved faster than the usual officer’s cautious approach to danger, since fire couldn’t attack him from a distance and rapid response was essential. But he was already trembling and his insides were churning, because he was terrified of fire. He leaped up the steps of the building and knocked loudly on each door as he passed, shouting: “Police. Fire.” When he got to the third floor, he found a family of four at the landing and yelled: “Get those kids out now.” The man started mumbling something about losing all their possessions, but there was no time for that nonsense. “Get going. You can worry about your things later.” He gave the man a shove and watched him start downstairs, as the woman tugged him along.

The flames were shooting out of the apartment door and smoke was filling the hallway. He hesitated, afraid of being trapped by the fire, then started upstairs to warn the other tenants. He was halfway up the flight of stairs, when someone grabbed him from behind and he almost jumped out of his skin. He turned around and saw that it was a fireman in full protective gear, looking like a giant insect, ready to dip its proboscis. The fireman pulled up his mask and said: “I’ll take it from here.” Relief zoomed through his body. “Thanks, buddy.” He watched the alien figure hurry upstairs and thought: ‘Thank you, thank you. I don’t know how you do it, but better you than me.’ He quickly went downstairs and out of the building. His partner was waiting and congratulated him for his fast reaction. “You did good, Coro.” He nodded thanks, then confided; “I could never be a fireman. It scares the shit out of me. I’d rather face a gunman any day.” His partner grunted agreement. “Me too.”

Firefighter Eugene Jones was dozing in his seat, heading back to the firehouse after shopping for dinner at an expensive grocery. When the call came in they were only a few blocks from the scene, so it only took a minute or two to get there. He put on his gear as they went, holding on to the safety bar with one hand as they tore around the corner. They were the first truck on the scene and he adjusted his mask and rushed into the building, followed by the rest of the crew. Tenants were streaming out and he carefully forced his way upstairs through the panicky flow. He saw the cop ordering some tenants out, caught up to him on the stairs and told him that he’d take over. As the cop started downstairs, he thought: ‘I could never be a cop. I’d be terrified if someone was shooting at me.’ He shook his head at the distraction, then went and knocked on each door on the fourth floor. By this time, the commotion, sirens and smoke had awakened everybody and he calmly urged them to leave the building.

One of his partners had evacuated the fifth floor and came down and beckoned him to help check the apartment directly over the fire. The door was ajar and they entered warily, concerned with a sudden blaze through the floor. They knelt and felt the kitchen floor which was hot, but not incendiary. They carefully checked the walls, then the rest of the apartment and followed the same procedure in the hall. They didn’t find any indicators that the fire had spread upstairs. The smoke was already dissipating, so they went downstairs to the apartment where the fire started to help the rest of the crew. By the time they got there, the fire had been extinguished and they joined the search for any further hot spots. The kitchen and part of the main bedroom were thoroughly burned, but the destruction to the rest of the apartment was moderate. Gene studied the scene and thought the damage looked peculiar, but left it for the fire marshal to examine. He saw that he wasn’t needed, so he began to lug fire hose downstairs.

Peter was freezing in his pajamas and Beth wasn’t much warmer in the bathrobe she had managed to put on before their rapid escape. They had been able to snatch down coats for the children, so at least they were warm, but they were still traumatized by the sudden evacuation. The organized chaos that had followed the fire had shattered the once calm night for them. Neighbours had poured out of their houses, eager for the spectacle of disaster. Although disappointed that no one had jumped, a fiery meteor plunging to earth, or had been carried out blackened and smouldering, the crowd avidly gaped at the building, faces tense with expectation, still hoping for something titillating. The flashing red lights on the fire trucks and police cars cast incandescent glows on the savage spectators, who didn’t seem overly evolved from their ancient ancestors. Peter watched in utter bewilderment, unsure of what to do next. Beth sensed his confusion: “Ask someone if we can go back to our apartment, now that the fire is out.”

Peter looked around and saw a fireman coiling hose nearby and called to him: “Excuse me. Can we go back to our apartment now?” The fireman turned his head and looked at him tiredly. “Sorry, sir. The fire marshal has to inspect the premises to determine the cause of the fire. Then they have to check the building for safety and stability.” Peter’s voice was getting shrill. “When do you think we can get in there?” “Maybe tomorrow afternoon, depending on the damage.” “Can’t we just get some clothes? We’re freezing our butts off.” “That’s just not possible,” the fireman said. “But I can give you some blankets that’ll at least keep you warm.” The fireman walked to the truck and pulled out some gray, heavy wool blankets and handed them to Peter, who just stood there and asked dumbly: “What do we do now?” “Do you have somewhere to go for the rest of the night?” “No.” “Friends? Family?” “No.” “Why don’t you bring these blankets to your family,” the fireman said. “I’ll see if I can get someone to help you.” Peter shuffled back to Beth, lugging the blankets, dazed by the distressing events.

Gene saw the cop from the stairs leaning on his patrol car and walked over to him. “Hey, pal, how’re ya doin?” The cop’s face was streaked with soot, but he looked cheerful. “O.K. What about you?” “Good. We didn’t lose anybody.” They grinned at each other in the instant camaraderie that shared danger brings, especially to the uniformed services. The cop extended his hand. “I’m Coro.” Gene took his hand. “I’m Gene.” They stood there for a moment, reassured by the bond that helped them protect civilians. Coro said confidingly: “I almost pissed my pants.” Gene whispered: “When you’re a firefighter, they spray so much water on you that no one notices.” They laughed comfortably together. “Thanks, buddy,” Coro said. Gene smiled. “That’s O.K. Listen, there’s a family that doesn’t have anyplace to go.” “Where?” Gene pointed. “There.” Coro recognized them from the stairs. “I’ll see what I can do. Take care, buddy.” “You, too.” Gene waved cheerfully, then went back to coiling hose.

Gary Beck has spent most of his adult life as a theatre director and worked as an art Gary Beck has spent most of his adult life as a theatre director and worked as an art dealer when he couldn’t earn a living in the theatre. He has also been a tennis pro, a ditch digger and a salvage diver. His original plays and translations of Moliere, Aristophanes and Sophocles have been produced Off Broadway. His poetry, fiction and essays have appeared in hundreds of literary magazines and his published books include 40 poetry collections, 16 novels, 4 short story collections, 2 collection of essays and 8 books of plays. Gary lives in New York City.

You can find more of Gary’s work here on Ink Pantry.

Virtual Living poetry by Gary Beck

Don’t assume I’m mad, for I am not. Some might say I’m brave, or I wouldn’t have ventured out on the coldest winter night, with lurking gunmen in the darkness, just to meet her. It was a time when the marvel of mobile phones had yet to grace our remote village. It was on the Yarbal Street where our paths crossed frequently that we decided to meet that fateful night. This street earned its name because it led to the most infamous Yarbal in the village.

The chorus of barking dogs echoed through the crisp night air, accompanying the soft descent of slushy snow from the roof eaves. Anticipation quickened my heartbeat as the clock neared midnight. I had dressed in fresh attire to ensure I didn’t carry any foul scent. I felt an overwhelming restlessness. Eventually, I stirred from my bed, quietly unlatched the window, and slipped out like a shadow. I felt no fear of the barking dogs or the gunmen. The sensation of cold snow melting on my hot cheeks was strangely invigorating.

Two streets away, a pack of dogs gave chase. I sprinted and sought refuge in a nearby hut where our neighbours stored firewood. As the dogs lost interest and departed, I cautiously emerged once more.

I had never before even touched a girl’s hand, and my desperation to meet her drove me forward. I knew I was willing to endure any torment, to go to any lengths necessary to make it happen.

In those days, being good-looking held greater sway in winning a girl’s favour than mere affluence. It was a time when young girls defied their parents and often eloped with their paramours, especially under the cover of night. Boys with long, silky hair and fair complexions were the ones who could sweep the prettiest girls off their feet. However, these unions, forged in the crucible of physical allure, frequently crumbled when the spectre of poverty cast its shadow over the initial splendour. Surprisingly, most of the girls were stunningly beautiful, while many of the boys appeared gauche and lacked wholesomeness. I found myself fitting squarely into the latter category. I was acutely aware of my dissimilarity from my neighbouring friend, who was deeply infatuated with the fairest maiden in the village, a subject of conversation for everyone.

Soaked in snow, yet ablaze with a yearning to hold her in the obscurity of night, I gently traced her window with the full palm of my hand, just as we had arranged on that very street. I couldn’t discern the exact sound produced by my hand against her window, but she had assured me she’d be attentive. I considered myself fortunate to have a girlfriend, even though I wasn’t fair or wealthy. I can’t quite grasp what ignited her love for me, or define it precisely. I can’t ascribe a name to the emotion as it escaped categorization, but in moments of desire, one’s complexion becomes inconsequential; it’s merely the physical connection that matters.

Once inside the room, I began to notice bodily sensations I had never experienced before. The human body is like a vast, uncharted universe, and within its depths resides an infinite expanse of sensual energy. It was as though this profound darkness contained within me was caught up in a swirling tempest, making me feel like I could burst forth at any moment.

In the pitch-black darkness, my surroundings remained shrouded in obscurity, yet I couldn’t escape the intoxicating sensation that enveloped me. In an instant, I found myself nestled in her embrace beneath the comforting weight of a thick quilt, its scent reminiscent of old currency notes. She pressed closer, her lips grazing my ear, her warm breath sending shivers down my spine as she cautioned in a hushed tone, “Speak softly. My aunt is sleeping in the corner to our right. Although she’s sound asleep and unlikely to wake anytime soon, we must still be cautious during this intimate moment.”

Her words slightly unsettled me, and suddenly, I felt the urge to pass gas. I couldn’t risk spoiling the ambiance with bad odour, so I forcefully suppressed it by contracting my muscles, causing a faint rumble in my stomach. She noticed and murmured softly, “Is everything alright? Your stomach seems to be growling.” “That’s not my stomach; it’s my desire growling, desperate to break free.” “Well, why wait? We can let it out right here. The passion is just so palpable, and it’s the perfect moment”, she whispered playfully.

As we made love, the presence of her sleeping aunt almost slipped my mind. Her aunt’s stature was imposing, impossible to ignore. When she walked down the street, her discomfort was evident. She’d clutch her hips with both hands, and her heaving chest caused her to breathe rapidly. She always treated me kindly, offering warm words whenever we greeted each other. However, I couldn’t overlook my aversion to her due to the large, hardened mole that covered her right temple, extending to the corner of her eye. I occasionally found myself daydreaming about removing it with a sharp blade, though the gruesome image of her entire face covered in blood left me shaken.

The night grew darker, enveloping us in its quiet embrace. Amid the rhythmic snoring of her aunt, we shared an intimate moment. Though her aunt’s snoring didn’t bother me, it brought to mind the prominent mole that I had always disliked. As exhaustion overtook me, I softly murmured in her ear, “Have you ever considered removing that conspicuous mole on her face? I find it quite unpleasant.”

“You know, my friend has a strong aversion to your short, curly hair and thinks your nose isn’t to her liking. But I have a different perspective. I appreciate you for who you are. We all have aspects that some may dislike and some may not”, she whispered this sentiment back to me.

As we exchanged hushed words, the aunt, who had ceased snoring, suddenly exclaimed, “Pinky, why are you still awake?” Taken completely by surprise, she replied with a quiver in her voice, “I just turned on the radio because I couldn’t fall asleep.”

The astute aunt hesitated to trust her instincts and cautiously rose from her bed. She shook the matchbox to ensure it contained matches before lighting the lantern. My heart raced as I envisioned myself being paraded down the village street, draped in a garland of slippers, with jubilant villagers jeering at me. I crouched beneath the quilt. “Turn off the light, please,” Pinky implored. Balancing the lantern in one hand and clutching the quilt with the other, she demanded, “Who are you? Show me your face!”

My blood boiled with anger. I yanked the quilt aside and locked eyes with her. The repulsive black mole sent waves of fury coursing through me. In a fit of rage, I seized one corner of the quilt and flung it over her head. Then I wrestled her down, wrapping her head tightly and delivering a barrage of punches. She wriggled and fought like a trapped bird. Pinky tried to pull me away, but I remained unyielding until she fell into complete silence, utterly motionless. The room now carried the acrid scent of kerosene that had spilled from the shattered lantern.

As I hurriedly tried to put on my sweater, her aunt abruptly sprang back to life, letting out a piercing scream. Fearing that her scream might awaken other members of the family, I dashed to the door, naked and in haste, somehow managing to find the latch. In my frantic state, I leaped from a high veranda, landing on a heap of bricks, severely injuring both my knees. In the darkness, I sprinted unclothed, with snowflakes lightly grazing my skin like cold drops of water on scorching sand. Desperately clutching my loose and torn boxer briefs with both of my hands, I wondered if you’ve ever heard of a foolish lover racing naked through the night, holding up his worn-out garment?

My wily and frugal father was ahead of his time. He had an unusual fascination with bandage rolls and that pungent liquid iodine. I considered myself fortunate to be the offspring of such an extraordinary individual. I carefully applied the antiseptic liquid to my bleeding knees and wrapped them in a thick bundle of bandages. Sleep was out of the question at this late hour, with over six inches of snow blanketing the landscape. I reluctantly changed back into my old clothes, having lost my fresh ones in the chaos.

Summoning my father from his slumber, I concocted an excuse about needing to attend early morning prayers at the mosque in order to borrow his torch. Stepping out into the darkness, I felt a renewed sense of purpose and determination. I couldn’t help but dread the possibility of being discovered in the morning, but I harbored no remorse for my earlier episode with her unsightly aunt.

Under the bright light of the torch, I retraced the path I had taken to escape, painstakingly erasing any traces of blood in the pristine snow. A stillness reigned the eerie surroundings, broken only by the delicate chime of snowflakes gently descending from the heavens. Then, I proceeded directly to the mosque, long before the prayers were scheduled to commence.

As I waited for the villagers to gather, an inexplicable distraction gnawed at my soul. I went through the motions of prayer, seeking atonement, but my heart was preoccupied by something else entirely.

I walked out of the mosque as the first glimmers of dawn began to break through the darkness. The streets were alive with a sense of urgency, as people hurriedly made their way, their steps brisk and determined. The news of her aunt’s demise had spread like wildfire, and the wailing grew louder with every step I took into the busy street.

Oddly, I still didn’t feel any remorse. In fact, a sense of relief washed over me, knowing that I would no longer have to endure the sight of the unsightly mole on her protruding face. However, beneath the relief, frustration simmered as I mentally braced myself for the inevitable, the long imprisonment that lay ahead. Curiously, I wasn’t overly concerned about what others might think of me, not even my robust and miserly father.

Unexpectedly, nothing of the sort occurred. The funeral unfolded in an oddly serene manner, almost surreal in its tranquility. I, too, took part in the proceedings. Strangely, no one even broached the subject of her sudden demise. During the burial, someone casually remarked, “She was a chronic asthma patient.”

In the following week, I left my home to pursue my studies, resolute in my decision never to return. I lived in perpetual fear of being apprehended one day. What astonished me even more was the fact that no one seemed to suspect foul play, despite my leaving behind my shoes and all my clothes, with nothing to my name except for a tattered boxer briefs.

A decade later, I unexpectedly crossed paths with Pinky on same familiar street. She now held one child close to her chest and another trailed behind, clutching an ice-cream cone. She appeared entirely different, as though she had undergone a complete transformation. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was slowly taking on the characteristics of her late aunt.

We exchanged pleasantries, as if we were ordinary acquaintances catching up. Our conversation drifted towards topics like marriage and children, subjects that held little importance for me. It was during this casual conversation that she revealed a shocking truth: she had saved my life on that fateful night.

“That scream didn’t awaken anyone. It was her final scream, and she passed away shortly after. I placed her lifeless body on the same bed, opened the windows to disperse the kerosene odor, collected your shoes and clothes, along with the shattered lantern, in a plastic bag, and disposed of it in the river at the break of dawn. She was simply found dead in the morning. Life has a way of leading you down unexpected paths,” she mused, her voice tinged with a mixture of regret and resignation.

*”Yarbal” signifies the customary gathering of women from a local community at the Ghats along the Jhelum River, or on the banks of streams and rivulets, where they would fetch water for their households. This gathering spot served as a hub for social interactions, information-sharing, gossip, and a place to relieve tensions.

Ghulam Mohammad Khan was born and raised in Sonawari (Bandipora), an outlying town located on the wide shores of the beautiful Wullar Lake. Ghulam Mohammad believes that literature is the most original and enduring repository of human memory. He loves the inherent intricacies of language and the endless possibilities of meaning. In his writing, he mainly focuses on mini-narratives, local practices and small-scale events that could otherwise be lost forever to the oblivion of untold histories. Ghulam Mohammad considers his hometown, faith and family to be most important to him. He writes for a few local magazines and newspapers. His short story collection titled The Cankered Rose is his first major forthcoming work.

Clouds trailed crisscrossed across a clear blue sky. A cotton candy man stood by a huge Ferris Wheel with his cart at a theme park showground. He watched the Ferris Wheel move slowly to a full circle. Maya Julian stepped forward with her five-year-old and joined the long queue to get on the Ferris Wheel. Tilting her neck, she put a hand across her forehead like a vizier to cover her eyes from the blazing sun. She felt that the wheel did not move much; almost too slow for the world to be defined from the top there. Her daughter, Saira, and her, perhaps didn’t look all that different from ants and moths, milling about haphazardly on the showground.

As Maya looked at the top, she didn’t see any trepidation in the children or the adults. All was shipshape. The candy man attended to the many children on the ground; adeptly adjusting the pinky floss around the candy stick, and handing them over the pink dandelions in a bouquet, as it were, with a benign smile.

Children couldn’t wait to mouth the pinky candy. However, the Ferris Wheel stopped moving for a while which no one else noticed except Maya, who felt nervous and felt she must alert the authorities for an alternate way to get those people down. They didn’t see it coming. They sat here without a concern. Maya gathered the reason for their placidness was perhaps they couldn’t see much from above.

The candy man looked up a few times like Maya. A frown appeared on his forehead too, which Maya saw, and wondered if he also noted that there was a problem. If the situation went out of hand, people could be in fatal trouble. Her daughter pulled her towards the candy cart, and they both came out of the queue losing their place in it. On her way to the cart, she saw people—mainly children with an older sibling or an adult jostling in the bottom of the wheel as they dribbled out of the lower cabins of the Ferris Wheel touching the green grass beneath. 

The ones at the top hung precariously, oblivious to what was coming next. The sky couldn’t look clearer. The clouds spread out like a fishing net through which no fish could escape. Trapped inside the net—not until then, not really until it happened that someone dropped a net into the blue bowled ocean and trapped all these frantic fish inside it; the net teeming with all the fish out of water when life was pulled out of this oxygenated cosmic ocean into the outer. Until then calm prevailed.

Those sitting at the top, were clueless, enjoying a breezy morning—chirping and laughing spring birds. Maya trembled in the fresh air as she took her daughter to buy candy floss. The candy man continued to look at the Ferris Wheel.

“Are you thinking, what I am also thinking?” Maya asked.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I think that the wheel is broken. Those who are at the top, are all stuck.”

“Hmm, that’s exactly what I was thinking too.”

“What now?” Maya asked.

“Someone must tell the manager of this theme park, I reckon,” replied the candy man.

“Do you know where his office is? I’ll let him know.”

The candy man looked over his shoulder and pointed toward a building at the far end of the park. Maya squinted to follow his directions. Then she took her daughter’s hand and began to walk toward the management building while the decadent candy floss melted in her daughter’s mouth. Maya looked at her and smiled. She smiled back.

“Where’re we going Mammy?” she asked.

“To tell the manager to fix the Ferris Wheel?”

“Why? What’s wrong with it?”

“It isn’t working well, darling. ”

“Is it broken?” she asked.

“I think so,” Maya replied.

“Will they all die at the top?” the daughter asked.

“No, of course not, the manager will ensure that,” Maya said.

The daughter kept licking the candy cane to its bare bone until the stick was fully exposed. She looked at it and gave it a long-lasting lick, top to bottom. The manager’s building was far, but Maya persevered. She stepped up, determined to stop the disaster at the Ferris Wheel at any cost. At any cost? However, when she reached the building, she found a big padlock at its gate. She pushed it and pulled the lock but it did not open. Lights in one of the rooms were on. She looked up and she screamed; strikingly close, not quite far enough. She looked around for an object and found a rock. Maya did the unimaginable. She picked it up and hurled it aiming higher at the glass window. It rocketed through the glass. Shards fell and hit Maya on her forehead.“Oh” she uttered and sat down.

The daughter looked up at the window and shook Maya by the shoulder. Maya felt an urgency in the shake and looked up too. Her jaw fell. At the window, there was a man, not even a full man, maybe a half-man and half-elf. He—it looked like a statue with inky tears running down its cheeks. This was a make-believe theme park. A rock came flying out of nowhere; it transpired into a piece of paper as it landed with just one word written—ignis fatuus. 

“What does this mean?” the daughter asked. 

Maya replied, ‘Illusion,’ ‘foolish fire’. 

“Isn’t that what your name also means?” 

The daughter wanted to know from a breathless mother.

Multiple contests’ winner for short fiction, Mehreen Ahmed is an award-winning Australian novelist born in Bangladesh. Her historical fiction, The Pacifist, is an audible bestseller. Included in The Best Asian Speculative Fiction Anthology, her works have also been acclaimed by Midwest Book Review, and DD Magazine, translated into German, Greek, and Bangla, her works have been reprinted, anthologized, selected as Editor’s Pick, Best ofs, and made the top 10 reads multiple times. Additionally, her works have been nominated for Pushcart, botN and James Tait. She has authored eight books and has been twice a reader and juror for international awards. Her recent publications are with Litro, Otoliths, Popshot Quarterly, and Alien Buddha.

You can find more of Mehreen’s work here on Ink Pantry.

Before True Rest Has Come

That early evening, in September 1985, only one person was mad enough to light the lamps, and she was the cruellest. She behaved as a bore and did not like prosody. Call her Jasmine. She wore a strange suit that seemed washed by the tides. By her side there was a book and a phantom man and child. The moon was not yet out. I travelled home with a bag by my side. I bore an album too. I did not care for dancing.

Inside my home was a pair of tights that was torn down the legs. I padded barefoot to the parlour downstairs. Downstairs smelt weird. Pungent scents wafted from the cigars dad had smoked before today. I peeped noisily at the corners of my kitchen. It seemed as though the curtains there were forever drawn. My eyes were still heavy from a future dream. A dream of untouchable woman and I was falling, always. I heard my sister weeping. Beneath my larder, I sensed vegetables turn to utmost rot. Upstairs from myself, there was a family viewing the news. I closed the back doors: now there was nobody to disturb me.

But all the noises of the otherwise dead, darkened by mourning, intimated breathing on the mirrors in the hall. And the gaslight, gone, served as intimate relation to a past I had known long before this life had formed.

First there was a long strip of photos of my great grandmother. A professional dickybird with hood once snapped his way as he strode the vanished main streets, calling “Good morning” across the lanes where once shop-windows shone inside candle-light. And here I was, yet asleep, walking down the precincts. Here were the mendicant-blind and the cured killed. All I could do was to bleed into my own heart the peculiar fact that my life as an infant was now ended. But melancholy could not damn me. I was assured by sound of my own personal fate. And school is often spelt wrongly.

Bells rang in my ears. Bells rang at the heels of my school-mates. It was as if an earth of fear had been deposed to reveal a station with a train whose destination would appear neither hidden or absolved. I knew then that learning was to be my only future.

And here I was, running down the dead-ends of my childhood, stout, confident, in command. But I appeared to peek into the windows of forgotten stores. Buried in errands, stepping aside from the common kind , prying strange looks at the broken looking-glasses of furniture shops, my soul was photographed.

“Your image has been taken.” Immortality achieved in the space of one moment sent me skipping along the roads forever. And learning was to my immortality. With hairpins, buttons, screws, shampoo packets, knitting-needles. At nearly six-in-the-morning, I was hurried to awake for real.

The clock struck six. Daddy put his hand out and turned it askance. Then the whole of my life was dreaming but thence self-lead. The dog growled like a demon, and showed me his largest teeth. “Stay still, Stinker. Get back to sleep, boy.” I was yet too tired to speak with a slap. My eyes pulsed with a forgotten tiredness which was soon to permit for seven whole years of learned life. Most of the sheets on this table were dirty. A lump of coal from an open fire should somehow remark on the vandalism apparent thereupon. Foisted on the careful graffiti were drawings of legs and breasts which smudged out rude names and formless numbers. History is lies.

Now take the Jutes. Read ahead, read about King Charles. Move ahead, read about Prince Alfred. Discover who killed the headmaster’s daughter. Read about old Bennett and see him whipped down the corridors. See Liz stuffed with dates or dip a starched collar in the smirking inks as hammers smash teeth into a prim, bald, smirking head. Spiral away from Saint Nicholas and speak of his presence till gifts are stopped. Ride the piggyback of a drunken scream. Catch penny stains sketched as if silk garters. These tables are as true as History.

Upon the last sheet I signed my name several times with a pen which had no lead. I did not opt to scribble with the real. At a first glance there was no sign of interference. Thence I drew my eye to the coke inside its synthetic grate. Dust drifted up into a cloud, and then I settled down into my first true day. If only I could yell at the ceilings and trace dark circles made by former gas or crack into lines the figures and faces which danced and chased animals over hidden fields: Come, let’s look at Saint Joan who has somehow destroyed her parents’ house in Stephen’s Street, or else Staines Grove; he will never be allowed to come back. Mrs. Baker, have a peek now, perhaps, from under these cold sheets, at Mr. Baxter, who worked in the Post Office Tower.

“Be quiet”, I said to myself, “Surely I know nothing.”

Dad opened the gates of the pantry door. The worn best plates shone like fire. A pattern, akin to a willow tree, span round the cups and filled with flowers the fruits of the coiling texts. Jugs were piled up on one large shelf, on another the bowls, the soup-tureens, the toast-racks spelling Brighton, Hastings, Porthcawl. Then for the trifle-dishes. Thence the fitful afternoons when tea-service was brittle as biscuits but proud with gold-leaf. I cracked two saucers together, and the curved spout of a teapot came off in my own two hands. Inside five minutes I had perhaps smashed the whole set. May all the vices of Leicester Square bow down to see me as I whisper in this scullery: the spidery young girls who help at home. Calculating down this pavement where the rich-smelling shops, screwed up in their sensuousness, dry hair in the rooms to the side of this home. I blood off salt with the plant that’s grown. And I should have hopes that the office girls may knock at my door with the very stubs of their fingers. You can hear sex now gliding from the glass porch of this sealed room. “Oh yeah” I must have said, and the just male voices agreeing softly. “Shoo to them who snore in and out of Staines Grove”. I know that they are sleeping under vexed sheets up to the fringes of their grey whiskers. Meryl is marrying the Chamber and Mary is wedding to Lady Settee. I am breaking tureens in this bad cupboard beneath the stairs.

A metal plate dropped from out my hands and smashed to smithereens. I awaited the sound of my mother awaking. No one stirred outside. “Stinker is perfect,” I said aloud, yet the harsh noise of an inner mental voice drove pets in my world back to silence. My fingers became cold and numb for I knew I could not lift another plate without breaking it.

“What are you doing?” dad said to me at last, in a cool, flat tone. “Leave the Streets alone. Let them sleep.” Then I closed the pantry door. “What are you doing, raving away?” Even so the dog had not been awakened. “Raving away,” I said. God would have me hurt quickly now. The incident in the cupboards had made much of a trembling so much that I could hardly tear up the mess I had made inside the sideboards and the china that was scattered under the stairs was too difficult to destroy. The doilies and the patterned tea-cosies were still together, hard as rubber. I pulled them up as one, as if in a hope of wedging them up the chimney.

“These are such small things,” I said. “I should break the windows and stuff the cushions with this broken glass.” Dad saw his round soft face in the mirrors under the duplicate Mona Lisa. “But you won’t”, I said,, “Be afraid of the noise I have made.” Dad burnt away the edge of his mother’s guilt and shame and remembered to poke out his tongue to sap the tracks of my tears. “Still playing to cry,” he said. “Tears have salt and life is all salt. Just like the best of my poems.” Dad returned upstairs to the dark, with the light flailing, and seemed to lock the doors on the inside. He put out his hands and touched the walls by my bed. Good morning and farewell, Mrs. Barker. My window, facing his bedroom, was wide-open to the winds, but I could not hear the breathing of my mother. Most of the houses were still quiet. The main part of the street was a closed grave. The neighbours were still safe and deep in their separated silences. My head no longer touched its pillow and I knew that I should not sleep again. Dad’s eyes stayed closed.

Come down now into my arms, for I shan’t sleep. I know your rooms like the backs of my hands and I do not wish to sleep again. Tomorrow, today, I am going away by the 7.50 train, with five old pounds and an old suitcase. Lay your dreams against this bed for the alarm at six-thirty will hurry you back to the once drawn blinds where lit fires burn before true rest has come. Come with me quickly to where we may hear breathe the floats of the milk-men as they are waking.

Dad was asleep with his hat on still, and his hands were clenched. My family awoke before cock-crow. At least, I thought I heard them. They would stand in their dressing-gowns, stale-eyed and with ragged hair. O, come with me quickly.

A National Train of Love

I sat in a state of privy, with a slag-heap sat beside me. In all the compartments of the train I travelled, there were lessons to be gleaned and learned.Time was dressed in a bland tweed suit. The apologies of god were leaden with shame. Galbraith  served my mind and still I danced inside my sullen body whilst love reared up from the chains of the happy-killed. O, my soul lay dented and Everyman reneged on my thoughts and stilled the veins of my brain.

“I saw you use the dance-floor,” taunted a woman in a state of obfuscation and the side of Her head damaged by way of dreaming. The lavatories of Hell lay opened. My dark side appeared to rape my Gem. The scented sentimentalities of the seats which rode were forced to swerve. Lust’s hands turned askance. “Heavenward for these pages you read,” spoke my tutor. The peacock quills of a former state denied my dreams as passion raided the sly scenes of my languid ear. Home and help were ended. The gardens of the thrilled children of life stabbed me in both cheeks of my bum and the guards of Christ’s subhuman Turin Shroud noosed my cries with Atheistic lies. “Jain,” said a second teacher. The hands of the clock on the wall caused words to repeat as if entertained by self-flagellating cries. The hole in my sex descried gloom. It was clear to me that girl kind should desert me. After all, my denial of sex-abuse had been all too apparent and I could not find the masturbatory words whereby I might at last indulge in a sensuous scream. The handle of love turned.

“I do not consider youth as a bed-wetter and I must presume that when I cross my legs the scars of the ocean make a way for plum-duff?!’

These words from a third tutor seemed remotely powered. I dared not understand what She meant. Now my use of the train was gaining swiftness. Running down its rails, the gurgling noise of fellow-passengers caused a hapless sensation of disquiet.

A cloud of people stood arguing with the north-wind. I was not too maddened to experience pain and the length down my leg was never real.

“My name is Dom Daniel. Can anybody tell me why elderberry wine causes trips?”

But Dom Daniel was not blessed. Clasped in His hands was a copy of The Times Chronicle. It was my opinion (for what it was worth) that time was a funnel with weird noises closed around it.

“Thus is the beginning of the end.”

But there is no tangible end. Time unravels into itself and causes mirrors to intertwine. What should I choose to do but fall head-first into a tunnel of papers whilst lessons shoot past me. How should I refine timed life except by living inside my own estranged beliefs?

..

Strangled rats strode beneath my feet. The face of my tutors seemed planed away by foundations but the glibness of cosmetics coughed up invisible bleeding as my spirit lay half-awake in a medical room which did not inspire any true state of sex-yearning.

“Did you try to speak?” asked a man who had a bizarre birth-mark. His face was perhaps a miasma of purple and it was not until I found myself laying prostrate on an impossible settee when I considered my own face as a blemish. There are spectacles on my face and a nose never dinted by amateur boxing. I imagine you know the unhappy scene? “I snapped at you and that means you must listen!”

Slang spilled from the walls where the bodies burned and glistened. Often, I had thought of burning sculptures and thence the wholeness of statues struck me dead.

Now, every table must seem spread. Cold, snubbed peoples killed for home-time and here lay dying all over mean floors. There were no carpets but rugs of magical importance strove to stuff our eyes with Aladdin and His insane lamp.

The train rode faster. A waitress with a scrofulous cold served meringues to sleeping women. The briefcases of the working hordes seemed to pleasure the passing hour. I could neither weep nor taunt.

“I saw you using a pen for no abundant cause. Your words are worth two-pence and cannot change anything!” trilled a bent prefect who surely believed that heaven was still alive.

The rest of my pages are picked to bits by the howling of strange birds. Glimpses of hedges light all lamps and the dishonest peoples cause hateful pain. “I who saw you dancing,” Love said but Love was locked the other side of its door and the bit of sex-business pissed into the wind as the cloaks of the caned scaled the walls of Judea.

“Did you try to speak” asked a premier of learning but her face was pale and guiltless and her sight impossible to bear. She was perhaps ‘pretty’.

…

The wheels of my train span into the sun. The pleasures of sleeping travel surged beneath its counter. I did not think that a choir of songs would awake me but it did and as I walked up the slope to an outside street, bottles span from my fingers. There was a girl with shells for her hair. In the space of the city, a sea of whales span round. I have never considered true life since spent candles burn more brightly. There are tocsins heard in towns which mean all and nothing and the oceans of this earth collide beneath fled flames.

I gave my home three knocks. “Mr Anodyne,” God said, and softly strode away.

The House of Xmas Jocundity (a response to Shakespeare?)

IT is a burnished transparent night in the better half of December. The bacchanal Babylonian fields are enshrouded in a sobering coat of turgid ice. Here and there, amidst these cruel Phlegethonian sheets, dunes of Hippolytian snows dance upon the feline wind, and scatter Seraphic, white blankets across Asteroth’s astir sky.

The Acherontic eyes of a Clown with a boy’s face are focussed on starry Empyrean quarters. He cares so much for what faith sees, and has no desire to pass beyond those Perian Memories of a Dulcinea, whose sweet farewell chiselled a Lacrymose hole in His Soul and submerged His veins in molten-ice. Tepid saline tides erode His wan alabaster mask. “Well, you saddened Maecenas of mine, it is Xmas Eve,” he mutters to himself, “A time when we all decide to live under the same stars without conflict. These basic annual vows shine upon many a civilisation. But what of afterwards? Shall we still drink from the honey-choked wells of truth? Shall we still imprecate Martian fists?”

Far away, somewhere behind the Nectarious, female scent of lingering rain-washed wood-smoke, a Rosary-Clad Congregation, wielding Prayers, reveres the dark Olympian night. O, Saturn plays the organ, plays it just for me and you, and the Cherubic cavatina of the Midnight Mass intertwines with the Moon; and the Choral-Lamps resuscitate dreams in Atrophosian tombs. Over Lucretian valleys, and along interwoven Sirian passages , drifts the Congregation’s chaste Hymns.

Asmodeusan, a stygian lodger from profligate Italy, has a penile light in his eyes; a penile light that compels women to flaunt livery and virtuous men to file for castration. He grasps a vintage cheroot from King Aphonus ‘ cigar-box and lights it with a Plutovian whisper. It will soon be morning, and he is preparing himself for the arrival of Myrtle’s sentient bine, Asphodelte. “She has Houri’s unbridled favour!” he spits salaciously. “Paphos never beheld such vestal dulcitude!”

A lark’s transcendent cantata bids Asmodeusan’s annulet an antiseptic morning’s greeting. No doubt each mellifluous staff of recalls his lickerish, hymen-spewed past. Even before God’s thick, hispid hair sprouted from Love’s mammonian face, and bibacious wine clung to His soul, Asmodeusan was intoxicated by vile lust. When he was eight years old, he made a laconic virtue of boasting about the adroitness of His masturbatory deviations. And, on one dull Apollyonian day, he plundered a Venusian’s world and stained several pairs of her dew-laced silken underwear.

*

The phoebian star dances on the pock-drenched roof of the House of Xmas Jocundity, and swims within and without its ghostly tiles. The life which lies within is slowly and dearly exiting from the wrecks of hypnotic motion. Life – dear depressing animation – is returning to its enchanted and ghastly inhabitants, and the phantom moon is fading and fades back; back into the deep, dark Prussian blue meridian.

What is to happen to Asphodelte, as she lies in the fairest eiderdown, far away from those free-falling cucumbers in eastern and western markets? What I to happen whilst King Aphonus, her Father, sleeps so long? Is Asmodeusan to gain that lithe and labial fortress? Or will it be Jureis Divinoan, that free and righteous fellow who sleeps on time’s timeless floor? Who shall it be? That is the Question; and nothing lies beyond it..

Jureis reeks of fulfilment, but what can he know? For the solar bowl shines down on Humanity, spilling forth its Omniscient Soul, as if it were the home of Antihodean Wholeness. It knows for certain that Life is never planned?

And Jureis and Asphodelte are free to feel whatever they wish, while Asmodeusan fishes for the largest of lustful fish. And I know, as well as the clown with the boy’s face, that death is as drunk as Pluto’s Jury. Death’s befuddlement will teach the ignorant world that Hell is a mindful dell. “Screw, fuck, lick, suck! Learn of Peace without constructs,” God mumbles to Himself.

Asphodelte is here, singing for freedom, Jureis is present, learning of Healing. The noblest of servants, Hesperion, is endeavouring to quell the panic. “I am here, with self made evident,” he yells. “Learn of freedom, learn of pain, crush oppression, yearn to be the same. This may be a dream, of this may be Life, but mislay anguish for she exudes strife. Love, love is the answer. Learn it before you squander your hours inside this Earth. Surely you understand that Sex is wonderful?”

A fantastic, adoring wind strikes the House of Xmas Jocundity as jasmine-sprinkled Asphodelte arrives in Asmodeusan’s realm. She smiles upon him and burns hole in his odious trance. “You, sir,” she says, “are an example of Satan’s partner, and I have no desire to brush my breath upon your jaded soul. What ho, Hesperion? What ho?”

Hesperion appears and Asmodeusan backs under. There is no freedom for sexual plunderers. I know what I speak of, I know what I see. Lust is obscene yet resides within us. Asmodeusan must learn to confine his lust to reclusive hours?

*

The House of Xmas Jocundity glows with the light of a deity. It conveys the spirit of peacedom. Liberty lies within its gardens. Therein, repression is Dead.

Asmodeusan’s heart is smeared with sulphurous clay. He envies Jureis Divinoan’s love-glazed eyes. A further cheroot juts from his face, and he feels His lungs rapture into Obscurity.

Hesperion calls for understanding, whereas King Aphonus and His Queen, Perfidene, build a wall between each other. Neither of them can comprehend their daughter’ love for Jureis Divinoan. King Aphonus cannot comprehend Women, and nothing lies beyond His confuted Thoughts.

*

The sun shines upon the House of Xmas Jocundity whilst the clown with a boy’s face cries. He is the master of this chaotic, obfuscated demesne.

Jureis Divinoan awakens. He is Jupiter’s protean servant. but he is drunk, too. They are all drunk. Asmodeusan, Hesperion, Perfidene, King Aphonus, and lovely Asphodelte. All have partaken ofd December’s truth-seeking waters. They are all lying on time’s timeless floor whilst Asphodelte weeps. Tears flow down her disillusioned face. She is the only virtuous virgin in his place. She cries for Jureis’ innocence as the clown with the boy’s face understands that churlish Asmodeusan does not stand a chance. He is the master of this obfuscated ball, and nothing lies beyond Him. “O, life is an intoxicating well of Evil,” God shouts, “Drink from it, and your stomach will vomit diarrhoea. O, why is it that Life is so ferine? Why can’t we all live together?”

As the needles fall from the brazen coniferous tree, Asmodeusan and Jureis Divinoan realise that Christ is an unending Requiem. How do they know? For they have realised that Jupiter has turned against them and all they have nothing to aspire to but DEATH, DeATH, DEATH!.. Pain, degradation, decapitation. Please understand. One day, in the not too distant future, everything will change. When? I cannot predict. O, let the change come now!”

The House of Xmas Jocundity knows what it is like to be free. Its creator is wandering over the Hills of Avalon and strolling through Mammarian Fields. Yes, it knows what it is like. Don’t you see? There are no more Precepts. The Governments of Eastern and Western Markets are dead. The free-falling cucumbers have been shot from out the sperm-clogged sky, and the House of Xmas Jocundity bathes its souls in the sun’s solution. The clown with the boy’s face has created paragon of Liberation and nothing lies beyond it.

Asphodelte wanders across the House’s Fields of green and greets Jureis Divinoan. They are all Life means. They understand the clown with a boy’s face. Jureis smiles, and yells, “My Dulcinea! You are Jove’s finest pearl!” The clown with the boy’s face understands Him and inflames Asphodelte with Love’s life-kissed comprehension…

And then, and most quintessentially then, the House of Xmas Jocundity embraces the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite. Perfidene, King Aphonus’s Queen, reels for death’s purgatorial union. She cannot face the glory of quintessential care, for she has chosen to fish for the largest of lustful fish. Asmodeusan is incapable of catching her tophetic desire. She screams in expectant agony and gives birth to a sperm-choked being and, as Aphrodite’s warmth wraps the House of Xmas Jocundity in idolatrous light. Perfidene places her last brick in the wall between herself and King Aphonus. Nothing of value lies beyond it. The sperm-choked being rises to His Charonian feet, and swallows his mother’s esculent heart, and Perfidene, Aphonus’s Queen is dead.

Asmodeusan’s mammonian face loses its phallic edge. Saline waves burst forth from his isolated eyes. He remembers now. He remembers that poor, vulnerable Venusian in her vulnerable Venusian’s world. How many pairs of her dew-laced, silken underwear did He pollute? If only Death cold recall the Number. O, Asmodeusan is no longer befuddled. He has caught the largest of lustful fish. Now Love’s stomach will vomit diarrhoea.

-Asphodelte and Jureis Divinoan arrive back at the House of Xmas Jocundity. Aphrodite’s ethos complements their Ethereal God, and nothing lies beyond them.

The sperm-choked being fends off the Goddess of Love. He is Perfidene’s catch; the largest of lustful fish. “Am I not the most swarthy of demonic princes? I, Belias!” he shouts proudly at Jureis Divinoan and Asphodelte and “Silenced!” Jureis replies. “You are little more than Jove’s maleficent cast-off; a cataleptic ejaculation. Die, as your perfidious Mother did before you!” And Jureis, wielding a timeless sword, without a minute’s respite, cuts off Belias’s head.

Jureis, King Aphonus and Asmodeusan lose their individual identities and become one Entity. Their cleansed souls intertwine and pass up, up, up, through the roofs of the House of Xmas Jocundity and on, on, on into the deep, dark Prussian blue Meridian. The effusions of their Yuletide characteristics dissolve into a prism of music and swathe this world in understanding and the clown with the boy’s face avows, that one day, in the not too mystic future, dead earth may change.

I close my eyes and wipe out god’s screen. The clown with a boy’s face passes back into my imagination, and nothing lies beyond it. And I am quite alone now, as I shall always be. My eyes are focussed on those starry Empyrean quarters, and I care so much for what I see. I have no desire to pass beyond those Perian memories of my Dulcinea whose sweet farewell chiselled a spirit hole in my soul and submerged my veins in molten ice. What did this all mean? Well, you saddened Maecenas of mine, it meant whatever life is meant to mean? Nothing lies beyond the House of Xmas Jocundity. Nothiing!-

Come back to me, my Dulcinea. Help me shoot those free-falling cucumbers out of the sperm-clogged sky. Come back to me, and together we shall drift over Lucretian valleys and along interwoven Sirian passages. Together, we shall become as one and roam through the vales of purest, mellifluous honey while skating across the thresholds of Hypnos and embracing magical, Morphean planes. Come back to me, my Dulcinea. Let’s tread upon the beds of the Future and sail into Paradisiacal realms where the Governments of Eastern and Western markets are dead. Nothing lies beyond this Empyrean gleam. Nothing at all except PEACE.

(Jim wrote this short story when still at school aged 17).

Use of the Pane

It was way into Christmas. The dyes of the outside trees had stained the texts of school with a cry of scalded birch. The yellowed fists of winter were delving sense because the lustful  eyes of one thousand boys were here encased in a room of thirty young people.

There was, on a shelf, the manual of my mind. I could hardly think because the sensual words of feline girls were shrieking from the sun Languid verbs foamed from the desks of vexed kids who appeared to know just how the humane human body worked and the routed shell of beaches out of bounds spoke to the seams of coal-country. Where softness dug, the miners of minors turned around and before rude sin had towelled sweat from the birth of ships gone out to sea, the privateers of life descried their decks.. Veiled with nails, crucified senses were burned to death.

The forests of knowledge dammed the brows of teachers and their misbegotten words.

Eyes swallowed from tendril-trees apportioned sightlessness because their buds of vision were wet with seed. The quietus of death’s storm awoke the dead with a myopic whistle which framed the lids of time.

I could not fathom when the rhythms of speech might darken the staffrooms. Where the battered books of one billion books reproached exams, the lines written by children in detention deadened a need for ills.

‘I have words at the ends of my fingers,’ said a male pupil whose use of poems was perfect. Verse emerged from riled heaven as the names of God teemed with one zillion chic rhymes.

There was a ‘reason’ for glad talk but this reason had invaded life and had made creation void. When I say ‘void’, I refer to the indolence of word-thieves. School is full of thefts and because of this all essays are rebuked by a method of marking which imposes a ‘metaphorical’ use of the cane and inside my head, beds were soaked with fear. Sweat oozed  from the skins of youths who could not fathom a need for truth but the distant cries of  abandoned cats  freed folks from the cob-webs of the vain and sheer.

Infamy must serve as an instance of tuition where the startled screams of woman get lost in a forest. Rape streams from out the conifers of the love-maimed and the dirty clothes of inchoate sex must die or else become a spurious porn magazine….

I looked at the tired and saw therein a horde of waiters. Inside this mind’s eye, there were courtiers who downed G-&-T from disembodied sources. As drunk as tailors, the unravelling spool of space milked ambrosia from the clouds.

‘I am not daunted by lies and if you cannot read, please say!’ preached a part-time Prefect. But her Incubus of sensual frowns burst the curls of love’s faith because the darkness of the Void allowed fools to dispute all romantic lunar-landings.

‘I am assured that Aladdin made touch-down!’

Smog cloaked the eyes of Christ in a veil of black-and-blue while the surface of the moon burnt  one’s soul with drills, deepening into the very soul of this earth. Can one be sure that UFOs do not emerge from this world’s infernal crust?

‘I had babes when too young and was then relieved!’

Speech such as these was ten-a-penny and moved the uniformed throes of immaculate humankind. The blasting noise of several million farts silenced the gene-pools of Nazism and Hitler lay drowned in a pond of skin-veined metal.

“Oh, but how terrible,’ A dauphin child spoke from out  a board-rubber.

“It’s very kind of you to say life is comfortable, but look at the confusion. Just to think of living here. There’s something around which cannot make me happy.”

But happiness swelled from the ground as school-yards shortened the scent of earth’s cruel smile.

As the night rose above the rooms of this school, the trades of perverts spat forth. The stars of Time noosed the Deities of light and dark and the cornucopia of sense loosed aliens against the coitus of the laid as ships, wedged in bottles, drove the dawn ‘west of Suez.’

Lives dwelt in their own framed ball-park. Students crossed the lines and died before born. The canes of the killed  thrilled as they crushed chiliads of moaning and weeping.

The clime of  stiffened throes entertained the tiles of  fear. Crying thrilled the chapel of flowers, smashed inside red rain.

 ‘I cannot breathe because I am too young,’ spoke lads where future suffrage blocked the outside loos.

And ripped to bits were the buttocks where the fields of  soul soaped to slits the sexist Harness of killed cries..

‘Can you suck the teats of life or else constrain the etchings of mankind!’

And the skies of mad and disclaimed boys danced  inside pictorial heavens as the Doctored scars of mankind felt bared breasts.

In this glib space, the tits of suitors swelled with the sperm of the tamed and thrilled. Hung up by the penis till pens died, the strangled cocks of wisdom spared spoiled genes and the swiftness of red seed dazzled fusion with the pared deeps of  sun-lit drains. Here, the homes of murders roamed and the surfs of the tangled tamed ran with silk as sinks thrilled with the spilt skins of the penitential dawn.

‘I do not wear a bra.’ Thus were the words spoken by a highwayman of a female Fm-Tutor.

‘I cannot cane you but I change you!’ Thus were the words spoken by the cold lips of an aged Head-of-Year.

And the dire fates of the learned delved the sums of time as triangular pentacles appeared written on gleaming desks.

…

The plugs were trapped and water ran away with the blisters of the inchoately praised. The dugs of pets back home shed milk and the dining-halls of frailty served strange foods to forgotten souls. I was made sanguine by the main-meals I ate, all of which contained French stews stirred into smashed potatoes.

The scars of the stars roamed the fields of the damned and I was spent because my train of thought appeared to drift away. And where the mourning morning awoke  stoned, there was a quay of calm situated somewhere out my front window. I could neither weep nor sleep whilst the coda of songs extended their tunes to the beat of alarms.

‘Oh, can you please leave welts where there was none!’

And words such as these swiped dregs from the bottoms of queer beer-glasses as the teetotal throb of this enervated life got spanked by the missions of a ‘tutored’ mind.

‘Several puffs from my pipe please!’ spoke a School-Premier and I was scarred forever.

Jim Bellamy was born in a storm in 1972. He studied hard and sat entrance exams for Oxford University. Jim has won three full awards for his poems. Jim has a fine frenzy for poetry and has written in excess of 22,000 poems. Jim adores the art of poetry. He lives for prosody.

You can find more of Jim’s work here on Ink Pantry.